Amazing Grace and Two Decades Old
Tonight I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and ended up singing Amazing Grace.
No one was outside to hear it, but I sang to the open air as I watched my cigarette burn down to ash. It was comforting to see its red glow burning in the darkness, and to think about the hymn.
I feel found for the first time in my life, which terrifies me a bit. Its 10:22 P.M. as I write this, savoring the last hour and a half as a teen. Its strange to realize that I will be two decades old tomorrow, and that in another two decades I will have lived half of my life expectancy. Its a crazy thought to have in my head. I guess I am just glad to be living life like every day is my last.
I’ve been thinking about where I was with things last year, and im amazed at how far i’ve come. On January 13th of 2011, I was sitting down to a thai dinner with my close friends, celebrating an early birthday. I had just completed my first semester of college. I had had two partners, and had just fallen head over heels for a man who’s name I didnt even know until the end of December. I will continue to call him ‘S’, as I have in past entries, for the sake of his privacy, and for mine. ‘S’ and I met in a coffee shop on Dec. 10th, 2010. I was smitten at first glance, and the energy between us made the room crackle and my hair stand on end. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I found out his name two weeks later, and discovered much to my pleasure, that my friends roomate worked with him. I was beyond excited. Jan.14, 2011 I met him for the first time.
Let me just say before I continie on that ‘S’ is pivotal to this story not because of who he is, but because of what he did. He changed me. Changed my life. Helped me to be the woman I always wanted to be. Sitting here and writing this, almost one year to the date, is my way of paying homage to such a momentous change in my life. I wanted to savour for a moment memories that someday will grow distant, and to relive them for a moment in time. To put them in words, so they can live on for forever if I choose.
Most of my life I have been fighting an uphill battle. I grew up too fast trying to be my fathers parent, and in many ways trying to deal with other family problems. I never really felt like I could be carefree even at a super young age. Its the one thing I almost regret about my childhood (except that I dont believe in regrets). As i’ve gotten older i’ve learned to be more carefree, and to enjoy life, regardless of responsibilities that arise in the midst of it all.
Dinner on my Birthday last year had me quaking in my boots. It had been a long time since I had been so interested in getting to know someone the way I wanted to know ‘S’. It was a tense dinner, good, but still incredibly tense. My hands were shaking and I was almost too nervous to eat. When ‘S’ brought out my dessert (orchestrated by my close friends who were hiding in wait in the resturaunt bar for me to finish dinner), I could barely mumble a thank you and had to be prompted to blow out my candle. His ‘Happy Birthday sweetheart’ had me in a tizzy, if not from the close proximity, then from the latin accent. I relished every bite of that dessert, so much that I didnt even taste the calories, of which I am certain there were quite a few.
The hardest part of the evening was later on, after I had bid farewell to my father and his girlfriend, and was sitting in the resturaunt bar with my two friends Megan and Morgan, and their friend/roomate Aaron who was going to introduce me to ‘S’. I couldnt breathe the entire time. I was nervous. I was shaking. I was scared. It was the first time that I had wanted something in a long time, and I was afraid that I would be rejected. Quite the contrary to my fears ‘S’ was pleasant and charming. Before Aaron even brought him over to introduce us, ‘S’ caught my eye across the room, tilted his party hat (worn for a private gathering in the back room) off his head in a salute, and bowed all the while smiling at me. After a while Aaron came back to the bar, and brought ‘S’ over to officially meet us. He was incredibly charming, which is the one thing I will never forget about him. He shook my friends hands before coming over to me, and shaking mine and asking my name. After talking with us for a while, and explaining a bit about himself, he asked me my age. It was a tense moment, given that I already knew he was 42, and I was just hitting 19. His response to my answer was to bite his knuckles, and say to himself with disbelief ‘nineteen?’, all the while giving me a look that plainly said ‘good god, why does she have to be nineteen?’. Regardless of that fact, his hand somehow found its way onto my arm, to rub and touch me, while occasionally coming down to grib my hand with both of his. My friend Megan dominated most of the conversation, since I was too shy, and I could see some of ‘S’ ‘s interest shifting away from me. Thankfully he responded to one of Megans comments with ‘once bitten, twice shy’ to which I promptly replied ‘twice bitten is better’. Being the smartass that I am, things like that just slip out of my mouth before I can think better of it. Regardless, im glad it did. The look on his face said he approved, given the arched eyebrow and the expression which plainly said ‘hot dam’. His comment proved my observation to be true as he replied ‘it all depends on the type of bite’, before giving me a smouldering looking and purring out ‘your a bad girl arent you?’. His grip on my hand loosened but he began to stroke my arm more, watching me while conversing with the others. After a while, he had to leave to continue with his group of patrons in the back room. We left shortly after.
That was not my last encounter with ‘S’. Not all of this story will be told tonight. Some of it must be saved for other days, when the memories come rushing back again. But tonight, I wanted to explain some of what ‘S’ gave me.
The first and most important was the gift of confidence. I had never truly learned to love myself until I met ‘S’. True, my relationship with him as it progressed is what changed things, not so much our initial meeting. Nonetheless, it was the start of things. ‘S’ made me feel beautiful, and successful, and like it was ok to be intelligent as well as well dressed. Most men don’t like the combination, but he did.
The second was his interest in languages (he speaks six), which inspired me to get back into practicing my French. Over the last year, I have picked up a fair bit of Spanish, started practicing my French again, and have completed my first semester of Italian (of which I am continuing on with semester two). My passion for languages is what changed my whole direction with college. I cant help but feel that without having met ‘S’, I might not be on the path that i’ve started down.
The last that I will impart, is that ‘S’ made me feel save and loved, two things which I am so blessed to have felt with him. From the moment I met him, I trusted him with my life. Even though we have parted ways, I still trust him. And love him. No one has ever treated me with the same amount of tenderness that he did. His time with me was a gift, and one which I am grateful for every day.
’S’ put me on a path. He was the amazing grace for me that helped me to change and blossom like a rose. I’ll always be grateful for the path he set me on, and for whatever power sent him to me.
Being strong and independant in a way I never was, I feel like today I have fulfilled a lot. In the last year i’ve changed. I’ve learned to love myself, my body, and my life. I’ve loved a man who moved me in a way I can never express. I have lost another pant size, and a lot of the self confidence issues that go along with it. I have learned how to be work appropriate with clothes, and got a fabulous new haircut. I learned how to work hard and fast at two jobs. I got my permit and am learning to drive. I learned how to salsa dance.
All in all I learned how to live, love, and to let go. I also learned how to be grateful.
I’d say I really earned this birthday.
So to you, ‘S’, wherever you are, know that I love you and miss you, and send you my thoughts. I am always with you in spirit. Thank you for moving me. Thank you for living for a time within my sphere of the world. Thank you for loving me, and for helping me to love myself.
You will never be forgotten.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, T’was Grace that taught… Through many dangers, toils and snares… The Lord has promised good to me… When we’ve been here ten thousand years… Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
